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The Second Sermon of Lord Anubis

Death and Lord Anubis
The second sermon of Lord Anubis, since
His return through the medium of this idol,
was delivered at the MicroMuseum,
123 Smith Street, Brooklyn, NY
on 10/30/04.


Death, serving as a priest of Lord Anubis, carries the Naos of Anubis onto the sacred space reserved for the ceremony. Death speaks, "I am Death, but fear not. I have not come tonight to take your souls, but to save them. I want to tell you what you will find when I bring you across to the other side, but I know you will not believe me. You never do, until we actually cross over. So I have brought with me the one thing which might convince you. It is an object of tremendous spiritual power.

"You've heard of the Ark of the Covenant, or the Holy Grail? This is more powerful. It is the Naos of Anubis. It contains an idol used by the ancient Egyptians in their worship. The Egyptians did not worship idols. They worshipped their gods, but they believed that just as humans have a body and a spirit while on Earth, so too the gods must be provided with a body to dwell in while on Earth. An idol was offered to a god to entreat that god to dwell among His followers for a while.

"I will now invite Lord Anubis to join us, and dwell in this idol, but I need your help. Raise your arms straight up, and pray after me, 'Lord Anubis, please join us here tonight. Lord Anubis, please join us here tonight." The audience repeats the prayer. Suddenly the Naos shakes, and the idol becomes animated.









Lord Anubis speaks through the medium of the idol, "Repent, repent! The wailing, the moaning, and the gnashing of teeth grow louder each century as the chorus of the damned swells. Enough already! I will tell ye what ye will face on the spiritual plane: ye will see a multitude of souls stretching to the horizon, and around the horizon, the entrances to the kingdoms of heaven.

"Ye may recognize a Buddhist temple and see Buddhist spirits heading there. Perhaps ye recognize Valhalla, or the River Styx. But there are many more kingdoms than ye recognize. Try to remember thy Bible, "King of kings," thou hast heard the phrase, but for the first time ye see them, the kingdoms of all those other kings, the gods of the polytheistic pantheons. Perhaps ye will recognize the golden calf that marks the entrance to Baal's kingdom, or the cornucopia of Mammon. Ye can't serve Jehovah and Mammon, but have ye ever considered serving Mammon, the Syrian god of wealth and commerce? Aren't the benefits of worshipping Mammon obvious? Just look at how well Mammon's followers have done on Earth. Don't ye owe it to thyself to compare Mammon's kingdom with Jehovah's before deciding where to spend eternity?

"Perhaps ye hath heard,'It isn't wise to worship those other gods.' Who was the wisest man in thy Bible? King Solomon of course! Did he worship other gods? Read your Bible: 1 Kings 11. King Solomon worshiped Ashtoreth, Chemosh, Milcom, and Molech to name a few! When ye find thyself on the spiritual plane, thou couldst benefit from Solomon's wisdom. For ye shall see countless kingdoms of the gods all around ye, but most of ye are unaware of what to expect in any of them.

"Consider my kingdom: the ancient Egyptian Netherworld. Apply for entrance and there are questions ye must answer. Did ye give water to the thirsty? Did ye give food to the hungry? Did ye give clothing to the naked? Did ye respect the gods? Did ye harm anybody? Answer correctly and ye may come and go from my kingdom as ye wish, for I am not a jealous god. But if ye have the wrong answers, ye shalt not be welcome, and I might cast ye in the Lake of Fire. The righteous need not fear. Just give the gods their due respect, and with so many kingdoms to choose from, the righteous can find a holiday every day in one kingdom or another. Thy afterlife can have a joyous nightlife!

"But no, I've seen it millennium after millennium, ye spot the Pearly Gates of Jehovah's kingdom and head straight for them. Ye never even consider the other kingdoms. The Pearly Gates are all ye know, or think ye know. Ye worry, will I be able to get in, when ye should worry, will I be able to get out? No ye won't! That wailing and gnashing of teeth ye hear from inside should give ye pause, but it doesn't. Ye harken only to the sound of Jehovah's huge choir. When the gates open for ye, ye rush in, not realizing that when the Pearly Gates lock behind ye, thou art in for all eternity. Jehovah is a jealous god; he doesn't want ye even speaking to the other gods, let alone letting ye out to visit them.

"And what do ye do for all eternity in Jehovah's kingdom? If thou art blessed, thou art sent up to the holiest of holies. And then what? Singing His praises 24 x 7! A few millennia of singing His praises 24 x 7 and even the prophets want to apply for a day pass out. That's why Solomon prefers to spend time in Ashtoreth's kingdom. Few have the keys to the Pearly Gates because Jehovah is a jealous god, and sadder still, Jehovah needs thy voices in His heavenly choir to drown out the sounds of wailing and moaning coming from below.

"For if ye fail Jehovah's entrance exam thou art cast down into His dungeon, which ye call Hell, where the wailing and gnashing of teeth grows deafening. I'll give ye a clue, the entrance exam is in Hebrew! Well, what did ye think? Ye didn't know the bible was written in Hebrew? At this point many Jews are saying, 'Oy vey, vey is mir, I should have paid attention in Hebrew school.' while ye Christians who mistakenly entered are asking, 'Was Madonna on the right track with her Kabala studies? Did we take a wrong turn back there at the gate? Does Jesus have his own entrance? But it's too late by then! Ye Christians art locked in for all eternity amongst the damned. Ye begin to wail and moan and gnash thy teeth.

Fortunately for Moslems, they usually spot the minaret of Mohammed's Mosque, and head there, avoiding this error.


Lord Anubis warns His supplicants of the damnation
they may face if they choose to enter Jehovah's kingdom,
"Ye worry, will I be able to get in (the Pearly Gates),
when ye should worry, will I be able to get out? No ye won't!"

"And what hath thy worship of Jehovah wrought on Earth? A world torn by strife among Christians, Moslems and Jews, who all claim to worship this same god! A world ravaged by hunger and poverty. With so many gods to choose amongst, why do ye follow this wrathful, jealous god from the Canaanite pantheon with the hubris to call Himself "King of kings," when He cannot unite even His own followers? Only because Jehovah's misguided minions systematically destroyed our pagan temples, slaughtered our pagan priests, and exterminated our pagan followers during centuries of inquisitions, witch-hunts, crusades, and jihads. Thus hast thou been blinded to glory of the other gods. But now ye know; thou art saved! Saved from having the Pearly Gates as thy only option on the spiritual plane.

"Repent, repent! Rebuild the ancient temples. Respect the ancient gods. Stop fighting each other, and restore Maat, the ancient peace of the universe, on Earth. Say, Amen!"

Death and Lord Anubis

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