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From: Jamie Chiarello
To: Flash Light Subject: Less depressing; to walk in spirals Date: 12 June 2007 I think, "I'm thinking too much." This notion is carefully considered, a step away from the racket, but the racket doesn't cease. So I think, "I need to think this through more." Walking blocks it looks like nothing ever changes. Some part of me resolutely decides that life is a corkscrew, a spiral; patterns that repeat themselves, that repeat with only such a slight difference, and this difference changes everything. And then all the activists, the go getters and people of extrordinary ambition seem rather silly. Life changing with the tiniest, nearly unobservable notch, and people clench jawed or smiling, but determined, to change it not only in a grand way, but in a particular direction. I can see in one sense that these drives & movements have effects and are not silly at all. I just can't shake the feeling that in working towards things outside ourselves we are fighting something inside ourselves. I can see it clearly in my head like a diagram, all space and movement, sort of like a pendulum dropping, swinging this way and that, back and forth- very repetitive, but as it drops, though it's still swinging back and forth and this could be mistaken for the same movement, yet it has dropped 1/4 of an inch. Of course, I could be concocting this to provide myself comfort, something I have been in diminishing resource of. But I want to interrupt myself, because there is a moment when it all brakes and nothing matters- and the living of this moment is a wonderful relief compared with all the moments that lead up to it. Because there I am not a man among men (or to be really literal, a woman, a human) striving to bend the world to my preference, combating things of slightly lesser or greater sizes, but which I may see eye to eye- instead I am merely a living thing, something to form and be formed without distinguishing between the two. It's like clasping your hands together as though you were praying, each hand is sensing through touch the stimulation of nerve endings it inflicts and receives through the other hand, but do it and look at your hands and try to untangle these sensations. -- Jamie Chiarello www.NamelessArt.com |